Practicals at university and threats at flat

I am absolutely terrified that I’m going to fuck up the practical tomorrow. It’s a 3 minute dance of steam heat which is from the pyjama game. I know the routine well but I’m just so flat footed and find it hard to do some moves due to my spinal condition. My lecturer is aware of this and knows which stuff I struggle with but I’m just so worried I will let my dance partner down. Especially after a recent experience at university where a girl called me selfish because she had to change a bit of the script as the teacher told her to due to my disability. I was fine with my part in the performance before but my teacher said I should have a small part in case the screw in my metal work breaks. Long story short the girl called me selfish over Facebook and I dropped out of the group. It was a stressful experience.

To make last week even more great(sarcasm) I got threatened by one of my flatmates. He said ‘I will smash your face in’ and ‘your dead’. He also has attempted to get in my room and has been waiting outside my room in the corridor. I spoke to the manager of the flat but not much is getting done. Blargh

Well that’s this update. My posts have no structure, sorry about that

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Am I becoming unstable again?

Recently I everything just seems to be going to shit. I’ve been called selfish because of my physical health issue, I got told this by people in my university as they said it’s selfish that my health effects them. A couple of weeks ago I got assaulted with a wine bottle being thrown at my head. I now can’t hear properly out of my right ear because of this. And I’ve also been placed on another opiate which makes me dazed all the time. Everything is just a blur.

The flashbacks of my past are getting worse again, the smallest thing will start them. I’m in constant anxiety and to doesn’t help I don’t feel safe where I live. I had a guy who lives in my flat block threaten to smash my face in and that I’m dead. I laughed it off at the time. But Im generally scared at night

This was a mess of a post. It suits me though as I’m a mess of a person

Constantly left out

I’m literally that person that doesn’t get invited out much, my boyfriend gets invited and I’m his plus 1 but literally everyone assumes I will just go with him. I am my own person I’m not just an add on to him.

I’m so frustrated with how people are. Do people just not want me around?

I’m starting to hate myself again.

Back at University

I have been back at uni for afew weeks now. I’m struggling with it. Especially musical theatre dance, everyone else is just so good at it and then there’s me who dances like a baby hippo. The other day I was in practical then I went out to have a drink but I just completely broken down. I don’t even know why I did. I guess just everything is to much for me.

My bpd mood swings have been a lot worse recently, I’ve been thinking about self harming a lot when I’m stressed or upset. It’s taking all my self control to not give in. I think I’m going to go back to therapy as it’s what I need.

The guys that abused me in the past have been in my head a lot recently nearly all the time. I’m just constantly reminded of what they did. The fact one of them lives near me and going to be in the city I live for all the time I’m at university.

I’m the bpd part of me is slowly convincing the rest of me that no one actually cares about me and what’s the point anymore. I just keep getting thoughts like that my life is going to come to nothing and I’m never going to make something of myself. I don’t know, everything is just so confusing and overwhelming at the moment, the only escape I get from it all is my pain meds when I save some up during the day to take in the evening together. It gives such a warm feeling of being content with everything.

I’m constantly feeling that I should just shut myself in my room and ignore everyone as then my mood swings can’t hurt anyone.

Sorry for the short rant I’m currently sat in the car on way to parents house.

Bit off topic from usual but please read.

Recently there has been a petition started to ban snakes being used for entertainment in nightclubs. I am a massive animal lover and it upsets me greatly that people would but snakes in these environments. You wouldn’t do it do a dog or cat so why is it okay to do it to a snake?

Anyway please give a minute to quickly sign and share ❤️

https://www.change.org/p/ban-snakes-being-used-for-entertainment-in-nightclubs?recruiter=258187016&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=share_petition

Calm before the Storm

I’ve been in a good mood recently, I seem pretty stable, I am expecting for myself to go off the rails when university starts. It’s just so much stress and pressure for this year of university especially with my spinal issue which I’m on painkillers for. That isn’t the main worry though. The thing which I always end up thinking about is what if I do something to fuck up my relationship, I’m so scared I’m going to ruin it somehow. Before I met my boyfriend I would of never thought I would feel love for someone again. I had a shit relationship around 2 years ago and the guy I was with was aggressive and blamed his aggression on my bpd. He would get drunk and hurt me. Then blame me in the morning. I always seem to bring out the worse in people. It’s just too much of a pattern of abuse in my life. I feel like it’s something wrong with me.

The guy who I have been dating for five months is so kind and caring and he does so much for me. I am truly in love with him. I’m just scared of pushing him away. When uni starts I’m just worried it’s all going to be too much for me and I will breakdown and that’s not fair on him to constantly have to look after me.

My blog posts are so messy but then again so are my thoughts. I find this is the best way for me to vent and get my thoughts out.

Another post for today

I wasn’t going to post again today but for some reason my mood is so bad today, I just feel so down and I have no reason to. I just want to sleep and cry and comfort eat. I would take Prozac but I keep getting terrible acid reflux with it, I’ve tried everything to help it. My boyfriend is great when I’m in a depressed phrase as he just cuddles and talks to me even when I go completely silent. He always asks if I’m okay and he’s so understanding when I have my bpd melt downs about the tiniest things. I just kind of feel empty and sad today though and I don’t know why. It’s so confusing.