Hey guys, I’ve been in a pretty good place recently. My mood most of the time has been more happy but I still have dark times. Prozac doesn’t seem to help it only gives me insanely bad heartburn and acid reflux. I’m still on the max dose of tramadol daily for helping with pain. which makes me tired all the time. I’m fed up of constantly having to go to doctors every week trying to get the correct dose of anti depressants. My doctor thinks I’m severely depressed but I don’t think I am. Hopefully it will get sorted soon
Being at my parents house always makes my mental state ten times worse. Especially after they have been drinking.
I’m trying so hard to remain in a good mental state around them but I’m so close to losing it. Being back here is dreadful and is slowly breaking me again.
Just want to leave deal and never come back.
If I ever had a kid and I treated them the way my parents treat me , I would wish myself dead.
I haven’t updated for awhile as I have been busy. But since my last post I have now been put on Prozac 40mg a day. It hasn’t helped really, if anything it’s made my mood feel worse. I hate the fact I’m now on so much medication. I’m on 8 tramadol a day and now this. I’ve started telling more people about the last time I was raped, it’s just fucking me up so much even though it happened months ago. I went clubbing the other week and my rapist was there, I literally froze. I had to go to the toilets to have abit of a breakdown. When I came out I went back to my mates and boyfriend. After a while I was less tense but then the guy who raped me just was to the side of the room and kept staring at me. I felt sick.
I read something online about a girl who’s boyfriend was mates with her rapist and it kind of hit me hard as I related to it so Here is the passage I read.
Fast forward to now, recently i have seen them hanging out and drinking, smoking etc together, which when i see happening on snapchat stories etc, i feel betrayed by my boyfriend. I thought that because he’s my boyfriend, i should be worried about him killing my ex, not being friends with him. Ever since they have been hanging out, my view of my bf has changed, and I’m starting to wonder what type of guy is ok being friends with his girlfriends rapist.
Literally apart from him hanging out with that guy he is perfect. It’s just surely if your hanging out with someone who you know has hurt your girlfriend you wouldn’t be facebook mates and hang out together in groups. Maybe I’m just being stupid.
I’m constantly wondering why my boyfriend is with me, like I have health problems and I’m a wreck. He could get anyone why would he choose me? He is just so amazing and kind and understanding, he does so much for me and I’m so grateful. It must be hard for him sometimes, especially when I get depressed at night sometimes and just go silent. It terrifies me that I love him because anyone I get close too always ends up leaving. I don’t think I could go through heartbreak again.
I have been speaking to a close mate of mine a lot recently over snapchat, he told me he thinks what the guy done to me was rape. I don’t know. I constantly have nightmares about it, and to top it off I’ve been put on antidepressants. A big part of me just wants to shut off from everyone that way I can’t get hurt.
But the bad situation I will be writing about is the fact that the guy who did stuff to me occasionally hangs round with my boyfriend. I got taken to one of my boyfriends mates house for drinks and my boyfriends mate just kept mentioning him and saying how much they get along with each other. My boyfriends friend is lovely and I do like her but the fact she just kept saying how much the guy gets along with my boyfriend really got to me. Especially now that some of my close mates think it was rape what he did to me. It’s kind of like ‘oh my rapist really likes my boyfriend ‘. This guy is never going to be out of my life and it’s making me more and more depressed everyday. The fact that my boyfriend hangs out with the guy who did that to me makes me feel sick.
There’s a situation what happened to me afew months ago that keeps playing on my mind. Basically what happened was I was talking to a friend who I used to sleep with and me and him became quite close, I was talking to him about when I first ever got raped. I was in tears. He cuddled me for a few mins trying to comfort me but then he started kissing my neck and touching all over my body and I froze up, then he had sex with me. I literally still had tears on my face. I don’t understand how someone can start touching someone like that when they have literally just been crying about when they were raped. I don’t think the guy did anything wrong it’s just kind of fucked me up abit. The guy I thought was my close friend was manipulative and mentally unstable, he talked often about killing himself and sometimes it felt like I was being guilt tripped to have sex with him. But then again it’s my own fault as I never said no. I’ve had sexual and physical abuse happen so much to me that I just feel like something must be wrong with me to make people want to hurt me.